Sifting, Sorting and Sadness
I've been absent. I've been quiet. I've been in suspended animation.
I don't feel like writing, which is unusual. I have felt like this for months now. The cocoon is closing in on me.
I feel the urgency to share with you. I know I am not alone in these times of massive change. Something tells me you might want to hear what I have to say. It might shed some light on something for you too.
It's been hard to find the words to capture my deep sense of loss and sadness.
I recently watched 13 Reasons Why, a show on suicide based on the novel by Jay Asher. It reminded me that people respond to trauma in four ways: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fold. I've been cycling through all four, just like the repeat feature on your audio device playing the same song over and over again.
Recent events have changed my family irrevocably. My Dad has been in the hospital since the beginning of January and is now in hospice. There are many family challenges that can no longer be ignored.
I won't go into the story. It's not a new one. It's as old as time. It's tough and tiring. I never imagined I'd be a player in this tale of greed and fear, but I know who I am in this cast of characters. If anything, it's made me more certain than ever.
It has also brought me deep, deep sadness. More loss. More mourning.
This captures it:
primal rules alter
old choices render
Feel the free fall
of your quivering
Kiss the abyss
as it enfolds you
in the crisp clearing
of the numinous night
One thing is clear. I am sustained by the heartbeat of what's true. No matter what loss befalls, I am more resilient, more able, more loving. My inner being is strong; it nurtures me.
If you've signed on for being a more conscious player things might be shaking loose for you too. Don't worry. It's part of the regularly scheduled program. This breakdown, shakedown is good news in the end.
These are intense times. There is deep acceleration and exhilaration. Sometimes I don't recognize myself or the world around me. It's all shifting at such high speed.
Still . . . it is a time of aloneness. Space is required for sifting, sorting and sadness. This is part of the dance, too.
I'm not hosting any programs at the moment and have been sparse on social media. Just know I feel you in the cosmic weave and am grateful for our connection.
Things fall apart
As you build anew
Remember who you are