My son was nestled in my arms and looking up at me with such intensity and unbridled love. It freaked me out. Fear was coursing through my body. What was I thinking? There was no way I could possibly live up to everything in that gaze. I was ill-equipped for this motherhood gig and I knew it. Granted, I was twenty-one, a very young woman full of doubt and uncertainty. I knew I'd muck it up.
I was never one of those girls that dreamed about getting married and having a family. My dreams were about learning, exploring, and experiencing. Motherhood was something to be avoided at all costs. It was a tether that would keep me from soaring. It was not even remotely in my plans. Imagine my surprise, ambivalence, and resistance when that was the pathway that I chose.
That story above felt very real (and I'm sure there was some truth to it). It took me some time to grow into it. Motherhood requires heart and mine was encased in ice. In the early years, I compared myself to the model of motherhood perfection I had constructed: my mom. Over the years that construct fell apart but it illustrates a common tactic that we all unconsciously resort to. We project our dreams and designs onto others in an attempt to meet our own needs when we don't yet know how.
My mom wasn't perfect either (though I made her out to be). But when she held a baby in her arms something extraordinary occurred. Her nature shifted and she became the balm of a calm stream and the comfort of a cozy blanket. She'd rock, coo, or sing a sweet lullaby, and soon they would slumber in the cocoon of her embrace. She wasn't great with kids past infancy, lol! But she made magic with the wee ones. I often wished I could remember when she loved me that way.
I never had access to those memories but when I had children I chose to become the mother I would have wanted. Of course, I fell short, but my children claim I was the best mom. I know they unlocked my heart and showed me the nature of true love. My son's gaze was a love transmission and an invitation. It was a promise that I was eager to fulfill.
Energy Practice: How to BE Love
You know how to BE love because you ARE love. This is an exercise in remembrance. It happens to us all. We forget. Think of me as your brilliance buddy, giving you the raised eyebrow and then a hug. I know who you are, darling! If you've momentarily become disconnected from your truth, here are two energy practices to jog your cosmic memory:
- Suspend Disbelief. This is from my musical theatre days and it holds true in transforming your life as well. Take a few moments and pretend you're at a play where you are the leading actor. Experience yourself as a cosmic character here for a grand adventure. You ARE a boundless force beyond space and time. You have the capacity to morph matter according to your energy. Love is the fabric of your being and creation. You are an essential thread in the wondrous weave. Play full out.
- Feel the Feminine Force. Regardless of your sex, a feminine force moves through you. Love is often characterized as light but it is equally found in the dark. She is of the unknown and formless dimensions and communicates through feelings and flow. Shadows and hidden spaces are where you'll easily find her. Take those dark bits and lavish them in love. Witness them. Be with them. Allow them to move through you into their next iteration. Every time you embrace the vast feminine force you open to experience more love. Bask in the encompassing embrace of your cosmic mama.
Spend some time playing with these two practices. Allow yourself to play to the edge of your discomfort. If you feel you're in an alien space you're probably in the right playground.
Love IS, darlings! There is no seeking required. There is no finding. It is the substance and form of your being, physically and energetically. Be THAT as you look to embody more of the love that you are. We are all gifted when you embrace the love that is your essence.
Happy Mother's Day!