Giving can sometimes feel like a slippery slope, especially if it’s your default mode. It took me a really long time to realize that my tendency to step in and give ALL the time might not be a good thing.
I remember the exact moment when it started to shift. I was in the car with my mom. I was taking her to the 4th store for grocery shopping: we had already stopped at Shop Rite, the farmer’s market, and Aldi. I don’t even remember where we were headed next. I knew that it had to stop.
I’m ashamed to say I blew up. I did. I had stayed in the good girl mode for far too long. In my mom’s world, you were only as good as your last good deed. It was never enough.
Giving felt easy for me. Stopping the flow of that goodness felt strange, a bit alien. It took me a bit to discern between the habit of giving (and the expectation of it) and giving as a natural outcome.
If you’re a woman, this is part of your social conditioning. Be nice. Be helpful. Be the good girl, good woman, good mother, good friend, etc. The subtle suggestion is that your worth is measured by what you do for everyone (but you).
There is nothing wrong with giving. This level of expectation is something else. It is conditioning, layered on for decades, reinforced at work, at home, in friendships, in the stories we tell about what a “good” woman is. You learned this. Which means it can be unlearned.
If you’re someone who feels other people’s emotions almost as intensely as your own, this hits you differently. You’re not just choosing to help. Your deep sensing is probably taking your help to another level.
The Dark Side of Giving Too Much
Too much of a good thing is sometimes unhealthy. Giving is one of those things.
Giving too much (it IS a thing) shows up in your body. In addition to deep exhaustion, you might experience headaches, that persistent knot between your shoulders that never goes away, or sleep that doesn’t leave you feeling rested. It shows up in your mind too, as resentment, anger, and even rage.
For highly empathic people, there’s an extra layer. You don’t just give your time and energy. You take on other people’s emotions as if they were your own. Someone’s stressed, and you sense it. Someone’s disappointed, and you feel a heaviness in your heart. Over time, it becomes nearly impossible to tell which feelings are yours and which ones you’ve picked up from everyone around you.
It also shapes your sense of self. You wake up one day and realize you can’t answer a simple question: “What do you want?” The answer’s missing. You’ve blurred boundaries for so long.
When you look back, giving too much doesn’t even strengthen those relationships. It teaches people there’s no bottom to your giving.
Here Are the Signs
Check in to see if you’re sliding down that slippery slope of giving too much. Here’s how you can tell, you:
Say “Yes” to things you don’t want to do and you know it the second “Yes” leaves your mouth.
Can’t remember the last time you did something just for you. Not for your kids, your partner, your work. For you.
The one everyone calls when things fall apart, but you have no one to call when your things fall apart.
Keeping score. Quietly. You already know it’s never going to balance out.
Feel emotionally exhausted after spending time with certain people (even people you love) and you can’t always explain why. You leave conversations carrying someone else’s mood like it’s now yours to deal with. You find it almost physically uncomfortable to be around someone who’s upset without immediately trying to fix it.
If any of this sounds familiar you’re not broken. You’re just due for a recalibration.
Boundaries Aren’t Bad
Boundaries are information. They tell people what’s actually available, so they don’t have to guess or figure it out.
Start small and specific. Not “I need to do less,” but “I’m not checking work email after 6pm” or “I’m not lending money without a real conversation first.”
Then say it plainly. “I care about you, and I want to be honest. I can’t keep doing this. Here’s what I can do.” No lengthy explanation. No walking on egg shells. Just say it.
When people push back (someone will) that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It’s proof it was time for a boundary.
If you’re highly empathic, boundaries can feel especially hard because you genuinely feel the other person’s disappointment. When you say No you do not just imagine it, you probably feel it too. All the more reason to stand in your boundary.
Just Say No
Sounds easy, right? Not always. Sometimes you have to say “No!” several times to the same person or situation. Be firm. Be consistent. When I was trying to leave a business partnership it took me months of “No!” before it was finally accepted. Say “No!” as many times as necessary.
I used to think I owed people an excuse every time I said no. Turns out, “No, I can’t” works just fine. So does “No, but thank you for asking.” or “Not right now, but maybe another time.”
Practice on the small stuff. The meeting you don’t want to go to. The favor that’s mildly annoying. Build the muscle there so it’s ready when you need it for the big stuff.
Saying no to a request isn’t saying no to a person. You can love someone and still not be available for everything they ask.
Finding Yourself Again
This is the good (and the slow) part. Explore what you actually enjoy. What would you do if no one needed anything from you for a few hours? What did you love to do before you became everyone’s support system?
One practice that helps: at the end of the day, ask yourself, “Whose feelings am I carrying right now: mine, or someone else’s?” Just naming it can create enough space to set it down.
Investing in yourself isn’t selfish, it’s maintenance. You can’t run on an empty tank and expect to keep showing up for the people you love. Eventually there’s nothing left to give, to anyone, including yourself.
Giving is Still Good
Generosity is one of the best things about you. The goal was never to shut that down but to give from a full cup instead of an empty one. To say yes because you want to, not because you’re afraid of what happens if you don’t.
To let yourself receive, too. That’s part of it. When you let someone help you, you’re not failing you’re giving them the same gift you’ve spent your life giving everyone else.
You can be generous and whole. Both at once. That’s more than enough.
This has been a THEME of my life!! First for my family of origin. I am almost 77 and until about 5 years ago I did not know I was a Highly Sensitive Person! I was told so many times….. “you just need to toughen up.” I felt I was born on the wrong planet!! Why do people fight? I watched movies with my parents like “For Whom the Bell Tolls” still available. As a little girl I could not imagine people wanting to kill each other!! I did not want parents or others to fight or yell, and so on! It was a challenge.
I remember today, little small Morgine, walking to the neighborhood bully’s house, whose name was.. Butch! I lived in the dry brush, desert like hills surrounding the San Fernando Valley in CA. We could play alone together with friends at 7 years old, amidst tumbleweeds, sandstone, scorpions, tarantula and black widow spiders and the danger of fire. IF we found a piece of glass we picked it up and brought it home, because that would start a fire! Anyway Butch lived in a big log cabin house across a little ravine with a bridge across it to his front door. I knocked and he came to the door. I looked at his face (about 2 feet taller than me) and sort of yelled… something like.. “Please stop beating other kids up… Please don’t hurt others.” and I turned and ran home which was about 2 minutes when running as fast as I could! I was obviously a challenge to parents knowing nothing about my sensitivities, or my sister or me! I imagine feeding me when I cried, changing my diaper, rocking me and still I am screaming. The diaper rash cream back then was very fragrant and so I would cry myself to sleep alone. It was only when I watched the documentary “Sensitive: The Untold Story” did I even notice virtually all my products for cleaning and using on the body were Unscented! I avoided malls and large crowds, loud concerts, bright lights. On and on it went. I sat there crying. Things I had tried to change were like trying to change my eye color! I just did not like and could not stand certain things. I carry around extra weight attempting to protect myself while “I” was also trying to carry their pain to relieve them of it!
I did did did so many things at home I lost count. When friends would visit my parents, I was out in the driveway cleaning their car!! At least I received some positive attention for that! Normally learning how to iron standing on a stool, I heard … “No honey, that is not good enough.” many many times. Same with learning to weed, clean an oven, fold my clothes and so on. I thought if I did “more”…. then that would make up for my poor performance! Of course if you give off the “vibe” of not feeling good enough, then many people treat you that way. I was told if I did not lose weight no one would marry me, or hire me and on it went. However looking at pictures of me, I was not fat at all. My mother was very tiny and petite and my father and sister were string beans. I took after my six foot, big bones grandfather. That is “why” our family doctor said I never broke any bones and only sprained muscles! Then I got married and it continued. My children would have things they needed while my underpants had holes in them. I would fix meals to please my children and husband… not myself. It took a year living in Iowa before I would buy our children, 7 and 9 each a cap gun like all their friends had. Why do you want to pretend to shoot and hurt each other? I just did not understand. I won’t go on. I was usually the last one to bed and the first one up. I did not know I was highly sensitive until Jerry moved out and was with someone else. We only discovered he was BiPolar about four years before that and he told me all those times I blamed myself for upsetting him, were Not my fault. However, old habits are hard to release Adela! I was reading Seth channeled by Jane Roberts 50 years ago, as he is one of my favorite teachers about the importance of Loving yourself and others and so on. I was attempting to understand a Rumi poem It is about asking for what YOU REALLY REALLY WANT! I realized today, that is a really FOREIGN idea for me! I only ask for what I think is ..reasonable. When I am creating my own reality, the truth, the real truth has never been there. I sat with that today Adela, long before reading your question. I realized I have been “serving others” almost since the day I was born. Even in Iowa, I recorded entire history books for children who were dyslexic and they got good grades because of it. I want the universe to take care of ME for a change. I want to be taken care of at …..soon to be 77. I do not want to have to work hard, even at something I enjoy in order to survive and pay my bills and take a trip once in a great while. I have never ever wanted a mansion. I want a smaller home, on the ground, real, not 45 year old mobile home. On beautifully landscaped property without blackberries overtaking everything. And so on. A little tired after making food for my animal friends just now. It was Hot today!
So this is NOT a well written piece. It is only, in the moment, thoughts like journaling. Funny I read your email today, just when I realized, I never really shared… what Morgine really really wants. I have been too embarrassed if anyone read it and said… who do you think YOU are asking for those things? While I also believe I live in an unlimited universe. Something to contemplate more about. At least I answered a little bit of your question today. Love Always, Morgine
Oh Morgine. You have illustrated perfect the cycle of giving and giving and giving some more. I am so happy that you have honed in on this 'serving others' theme. I totally relate. I do believe that it is in our makeup to serve and to give. It's the out of balance giving that is detrimental. Yes, it feels like a journal entry. I am honored that you chose to share it fully in this format. Much love to you always!