My muse can be as enchanting as a cold shower at times. Motherhood is not one of the topics on the table for this project, yet she insists on bringing the mother magic round and round. I know I have motherhood issues. I wish she'd give this one a rest.
My Mom was perfect on the outside and very far away on the inside. To say she was emotionally unavailable is an understatement. Imagine that scenario for someone for whom emotion is a primary language. She had it rough, though. (There was lots of sad and bad stuff that happened.)
Still, I paled in comparison to her mommy magic. She was the type of momma who could silence a bawling babe in seconds. I remember craving to recall memories of being nestled in her warmth. I don't have any of those. She must have sung and rocked me too, as she did with all my cousins, right? I do remember the early training on how to wash the mini blinds without getting cut and cleaning bathrooms properly.
Every now and then I get that ‘less than Mom' feel. Did I miss out on the Mommy gene? My kids say I'm crazy. I was, and am, a great Mom. Still … I feel the lack, the falling short of my own expectation and yearning. Perhaps that's why I still insist on being Mom. Maybe the do overs will do it.
Today's musing is about letting go to let it grow. Not always easy. No, Madam Muse. Very necessary, though. Thanks.
I've been thinking of my son quite a bit. Haven't heard his voice in a few weeks. I know he's wrapped up in his own stuff but I miss our conversations. I miss him. It bothers me that he's been so self absorbed. He doesn't make any effort to stay in touch. It's been pretty one-sided for quite some time. I'm evaluating my need for it to be a certain way. I know he needs to set his life aright and that takes energy and time. Why is this so difficult?
My daughter feels more in than out, though I don't get to see her a lot either. Everyone is SO busy. I miss the closeness and availability we all used to have. Well I'm very available to my children still. That's probably all about me too.
The fact is that they're all grown up and grown out. They have created their own lives. Why do I still tether mine to theirs? There's a quote on motherhood from the Carlos Castaneda books which escapes me now. He refers to mother's having energetic holes in their bodies from all the energy they've outsourced to their children. In this instance Don Juan told the mother to pull her energy back. That's what I'm feeling called to do.
I had more of a life a few years ago, my own interests, friends and favorite pastimes. I've been doing a lot of this outsourcing of my energy, often with my grandkids too. I hear you, my muse! Get a life, sister! Get a life!
Maybe It's Time to Get a Life
Things are changing for me. For years I've been locked into staying close to my family, but the truth is that everyone is very busy with their own life. Maybe it's time to start focusing on mine again, instead of taking the matriarch role too seriously.
I want to travel more. I'm feeling the energy to focus on my business again, in a new way. It feels that's part of what's happening. I can't do things the way I did. That messed with me something awful. There's a different way and I'm moving towards it, or its finding its way to me. I feel it. Things are changing.