Being alone in a crowd.
People dance,
They jump for joy.
Where am I?
Off in the distance,
on the sidelines
What holds me back, has me not want to participate?
All the “rules” I impose on myself.
What rules are there about dancing? What holds me back?
Making a “fool” of myself? What is a fool?
and then there was “the night”…
Alone on New Year's Eve, as 2010 rolled in. I was actually quite content, comfortable in my skin and my place in life right now. The past two New Year's eves without Sam were hard. I was with one son, daughter-in-law, two grandchildren and their assorted guests both years and felt lonelier than being alone on 12/31/09. The prior two years I recall so strongly feeling “Everyone has someone” and “I am alone”
If I were in the massive crowd at Disney, I suspect my feelings would have been the same.
I had an interesting walk from the party back to my room. I was taking photos and a family came along. The wife stayed to talk. Her name is Heila, mine- Sheila without the “S”. Someone on Adela Rubio's Conscious Energy Shift call the next morning spoke of walking in nature looking for omens. Was “Heila' an omen for me ?…
What are the “s”s I could be dropping in my life?
S – sh*t – the clutter I surround myself with… not quite… and the “baggage” I carry
S – sorry feelings
S – “shoulds” – definitely!
Consider replacing them with “Shalls”.
What to keep?– my Soul, my Sense of worth, my “Self” The Self who Shines.
Maybe the omen wasn't so much about dropping the “S”…. rather acknowledging and honoring it. Who would I be without myself?
So back to loneliness – aloneness – Find the beauty in it. Acknowledge it. Let it be and note that there are multi-dimensions.
Remember when the “should's” are removed… the concern with other's judgments…. really our own chatter and assumptions… all that remains is the beauty of myself/ourselves.
I am the one with whom I live…. how great it and my life are when I honor me and am totally and completely satisfied with that.
For more background on the story . . . http://writingforhealing.com/aloneness-loneliness-is-there-a-difference/
Sheila Finkelstein, Picture to Ponder
Image: Sheila Finkelstein
Those time of being alone, feeling lonely in a crowd of people, knowing that something is different. You are different, not fitting into the mold that has been cast. Walking in your shoes, seeing, feeling, being who you are. Alone but not lonely.
Blessings to you for sharing this story. I give thanks!
Thanks, Britt. I appreciate your response. The acknowledgment without judging is key.
Reading what you wrote, I’m reminded of how often I’ve used food… mostly carbohydrates to “stuff” the uncomfortable feelings down.
Sheila,
Thank you for sharing your feelings, your writing. I can relate to how being with people can feel “…lonelier than being alone…”
“So back to loneliness – aloneness – Find the beauty in it. Acknowledge it. Let it be…” This acknowledgement is key to whatever I am feeling. I know there are times when I want to shove uncomfortable feelings deep down inside or dismiss them, but simply acknowledging them without judgment is vital!