I read many Father’s Day posts that illustrate wonderful dads abound. It’s amazing to read and thrills me to know that great dads are everywhere. It’s also hard to read because I realize how much I missed.
I didn’t experience an idyllic childhood. I grew up and experienced domestic violence regularly and sexual abuse on many, many occasions. It shaped me in many ways (and still does). One area is my relationships with men. They have been extraordinarily difficult. I choose the wrong men repeatedly. There have been very few I’ve been willing to risk a relationship with and when I do I find it hard to walk away after risking so much. It’s the one area I have not yet been able to shift (even after years of therapy).
It all turns out. Yes, there are still some challenges but that is life. Obstacles arise and we either choose to surmount or submit to them. Guess which one I chose and continue to choose? My early challenges gave rise to a strong and resilient woman. One who is compassionate and caring most of the time. This early childhood conditioning gave rise to an extremely sensitive nature. I probably already had tendencies for super sensitivity but this environment enhanced it. It took me decades to realize it was a super power.
I won’t go into the details of the story (they’re pretty gruesome and x-rated). There’s no getting over these experiences. It dishonors what you endured. The truth is that it lives on in infinite tiny responses that you may not even be conscious of. It takes work to move through it and redemption may not be possible but re-framing is. Today, it is not the leading theme of my story. On the contrary, it has become the backdrop to my becoming. It is in its rightful place.
Every relationship has its gifts. My Dad had major issues but no one is 100% bad. Here are some of things he gifted me:
Hunger to learn. I remember watching a Roman epic (it was probably Spartacus) and he’d challenge me on historical facts. I’d respond and he’d urge me to back it up with facts from the Encyclopedia Britannica sitting in our living room. He modeled it further by studying television and radio repair in his 40s. He was a full-time worker who still made time to learn something that genuinely interested him. That curiosity lives in me still. I never stop learning.
Treasure my family. My Dad loved his family of origin. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for them. I remember the continuous flow of family members he supported when they emigrated from Cuba. They’d live with us, he’d help them find work, and he provided support until they were on their feet. My house was the gathering place, full of birthdays and holidays and celebrations that were always a blast. Family remains my anchor. I would do anything for mine.
Value of work. Both of my parents were hardworking people. My brother and I had chores from the time we could walk. Everyone was expected to add value; there was no such thing as freeloading. I have always been a workhorse, and I still am. In my online business, 16-hour days were not unusual.
Have a big vision. Leaving your country of origin is not easy. You move into an alien culture and language, leave behind everything familiar and comfortable, lose your support system, and start from scratch. My father encouraged me to dream big and take the risks required to embody those dreams. I did, whether going for a tech admin position I wasn’t fully qualified for, producing and performing a cabaret act in NYC, or hosting virtual summits largely on my own. I still do.
All in all it’s a rich legacy of gifts that live on in me. Life has gifted me the bonus opportunity to see what a wonderful dad my son has become. He’s had a difficult journey but has pulled through and shines as a caretaker. He is compassionate, caring, and consistent. My son-in-law is also an amazing Dad who is affectionate, playful, and protective. Watching him with my granddaughter is one of the greatest joys of my life.
In the end, life has rewarded me with great dads. I am ever grateful.
What gifts has your father left in you?
