Sifting, Sorting and Sadness

I've been absent. I've been quiet. I've been in suspended animation.

I don't feel like writing, which is unusual. I have felt like this for months now. The cocoon is closing in on me.

I feel the urgency to share with you. I know I am not alone in these times of massive change. Something tells me you might want to hear what I have to say. It might shed some light on something for you too.

It's been hard to find the words to capture my deep sense of loss and sadness.

I recently watched 13 Reasons Why, a show on suicide based on the novel by Jay Asher. It reminded me that people respond to trauma in four ways: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or  Fold. I've been cycling through all four,  just like the repeat feature on your audio device playing the same song over and over again.

Recent events have changed my family irrevocably. My Dad has been in the hospital since the beginning of January and is now in hospice. There are many family challenges that can no longer be ignored.

I won't go into the story. It's not a new one. It's as old as time. It's tough and tiring. I never imagined I'd be a player in this tale of greed and fear, but I know who I am in this cast of characters. If anything, it's made me more certain than ever.

It has also brought me deep, deep sadness. More loss. More mourning.

This captures it:

Frameworks dissemble
primal rules alter
old choices render
you rudderless

Feel the free fall
of your quivering
decomposition

Kiss the abyss
as it enfolds you
in the crisp clearing
of the numinous night

One thing is clear. I am sustained by the heartbeat of what's true. No matter what loss befalls, I am more resilient, more able, more loving. My inner being is strong;  it nurtures me.

If you've signed on for being a more conscious player things might be shaking loose for you too. Don't worry. It's part of the regularly scheduled program. This breakdown, shakedown is good news in the end.

These are intense times. There is deep acceleration and exhilaration. Sometimes I don't recognize myself or the world around me. It's all shifting at such high speed.

Still . . . it is a time of aloneness. Space is required for sifting, sorting and sadness. This is part of the dance, too.

I'm not hosting any programs at the moment and have been sparse on social media. Just know I feel you in the cosmic weave and am grateful for our connection.

Things fall apart
As you build anew

Remember who you are
I do

Adela Rubio

About the Author

Adela Rubio

Adela Rubio writes and speaks on awakening your creative essence with the power of collaboration and community. She's hosted 20+ Women's Writing Circles, 30-Day Adventures, and Telesummits.

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  • Andrea Krudo says:

    Adela, Thank you for writing this. It is beyond words hard what you are going through. The greed that you mention can be so surprising and heartbreaking. Different lines get drawn in the sand when a family loses its grounding element and power struggles ensue. What’s important is that you are holding space for your father and peace in your own heart. You are a blessing to us all. May the Light surround your father, you and your family.

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Grateful for the light, Andrea! Yes, it is painful and precious at the same time. You totally get the ‘family thing.’ Bless you. Love and peace are present AND there is a new order. Life has rearranged around what matters most.

  • Pamela Melcher says:

    Love and Prayers. The beneficent energies are the strongest, it is safe to rest in that truth. I appreciate your honesty. Hugs.

  • Awed by your candor; saddened by your words; hopeful you’ll pass beyond; grateful for your share.

    Be well,
    Andrea

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Thanks, Andrea, for receiving my words so kindly. I am touched by your heartful comment. It’s all good, my friend, just another spiral on the life adventure. It’s also a reminder that though I seek to share my light there are times when I have to open to receive it too. Thanks for sharing your light. It is very welcome.

  • Tomar Levine says:

    I hear that the societal dislocations happening now are mirrored by personal ones within your family. That must make all the supports feel shakier. I’m sorry you’re going through this and glad that you have such a strong grounding within your own being. The light will shine again. And I know you are still a rock for others as you have always been.

    Much love and blessings to you.

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Tomar thanks for your beautiful reflections. We’re all being called to live truly. What looks like disintegration is a clearing for a new foundation. The new is ready and some of us have put our hands up for this. I know you have too. Thanks for the love and the light. I feel it. It is deeply appreciated.

  • Angela Barnes says:

    Joining–sharing–blessing a journey. You are not alone. I know the connection and without the drama details we’ve shared it. I’ve known it. The light returns. Thank you for sharing.

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Thanks, Angela! The light does return. You know more than most about this story. Thanks for listening and holding me in your heart. Love you always, my friend.

  • Tanya says:

    Hi beautiful woman! I’ve absolutely noticed your absence on social media! Your presence has been missed. And I absolutely understand. I am so sorry that you have to go through this! After my father passed, his family went to court claiming that I wasn’t his daughter in order to get possession of literally everything. It was a hard journey causing much hurt at the time. I send you so much love on your journey! (taking a deep breath and seeing my love hug traveling towards to you)
    And you are absolutely right, these are intense times with huge transformations happening in continuous waves. Surfing those waves remains a full time endeavor for me, smiles. Thank-you for writing about it all so beautifully. Huge hugs your way! xo

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Thanks for your sparkle, Tanya. I understand your pain, love. It’s difficult to fathom how those who purportedly love you can be the authors of such shame and sorrow. I know it’s a call for me to embrace my light even more. I’m not fooled by the illusion. Thanks for gracing my post with your luminous essence. Your hugs are warmly received and returned.

  • Morgine says:

    Beautiful Adela, Thanks for sharing. Thank you for the Heartfelt poem! I could easily put myself in it! You are Not alone dear wonderful friend! My father died some 40 years ago and my mother last year, and I dealt with monetary issues. I simple walked out and never looked back. I decided love was more important than money. My sister refused to even allow me to come see my mother when she went into hospice. (She was 92 and had ALS for a few years). So I hold you in my heart dear one.

    In addition, only a few days ago, I woke up and just wanted out of this life! It came out of nowhere! I yelled and screamed at god about my weight and other things. I felt lost and totally alone, broken apart. Fortunately, a few hours later I came back together and a friend called the following day and helped even more. I agree, for some of us we are on a roller coaster ride and I totally Trust… it will be Beautiful at the end! I have no TV for 20 years, however, I subscribe to one newsletter: http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org and it brightens my day once a month when I get it!! Visit the site and look at all the INCREDIBLE stuff happening around the world!

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Morgine, I always feel your heart. Thank you for having a spot in there for me. You’re in mine too. I suspect I won’t be attending my Dad’s funeral. No matter. I’ve been there for him when it mattered. Love matters more than money. Yes! The intensity is crazy at times. I know what you mean about wanting to check out. Shocking as it is I found myself with similar thoughts. Good thing you and I both know that just because you think it doesn’t mean it’s true. Thanks for the resource, love. Always in connection. Big hugs and love!

  • So glad you felt compelled to share Adela. Remember how many of your friends care deeply about you. You have made a big difference in my life an i hold you in love and peace

  • Montorrah Tzenythe says:

    Dearest Adele, I have enjoyed the writing circle and like all things on our Souls journey there is a time to re-treat a nd revalue….I look forward to what will speak through your soul when your song once again flows through your pen as the thoughts connecting on paper.

    Stay in love….it is what appears as the hard times that breaks the cocoon to release the butterfly. Fly high, my friend, fly high and wide.

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Thanks, Montorrah! This was my first attempt to bring words to the page on this current situation. It was verrry emotional but I feel like it created an opening. Thanks for receiving my words with your heart.

  • Rose Diamond says:

    Dear Adela, thank you for reaching out in your most vulnerable times and attempting to put words to the unspeakable. I have been thinking of you recently and wondering what you were up to. We are on a similar page, as always. I have been on my own grief journey for nearly two years after losing my closest friend and then my brother . There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am emerging now to hold space for others to transform grief and loss. I’d love to talk with you, with much love Rose

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Rose, I’m not surprised we’re traveling parallel paths. We often do! My situation has been going on since the 2013 fire, but has escalated more recently. Thanks for the love. Would love to chat!

  • Suze Kopynec says:

    Received the following automated message today from Neale Donald Walsch (Conversations with God, etc)…it seems timely. Sending love, virtual hugs and support to you Adela.

    “On this day of your life, I believe God wants you to know…

    …that there will come a time when you believe
    everything is finished. That will be the beginning.

    Louis L’Amour said that, and he was right.
    We must let it go. All of it. It will look as if your life is over,
    and that everything you have worked for has collapsed.
    Actually, its construction will have just begun.

    It is so trite, I know, but I must say it anyway. I have to say it.

    “For every door that closes, there is another that opens.”

    This is the door you have been looking for…
    but you could not hope to find it while
    you were locked behind the first one.

    Love, your Friend … NDW”

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Thanks for your love and support (and NDW’s message), Suze. I wholeheartedly agree. In Spanish we have a saying, “No hay mal que por bien no venga.” (“There’s no bad that doesn’t happen for a good reason.”) I know this is true. Here’s to new doors and opening them!

  • Elaine Lockard says:

    I hear and feel you! I too have been in a place such as yours since one year ago. Worlds collide and you can do nothing more than to make the very hard decisions to back off or slow down the thing/s that mean the most to you because if you don’t, total overload will happen and so much more from that! I had expected to be back full time working by now but other things kept coming up.
    For me at least, one of those other things was a healing miracle for me that is making things more challenging in another direction, keeping things moving slowly but steadily and moving in a direction that will be a Godsend to me and already is in many ways. It just taking so damn long and my patience is getting thin. I want to move but I have to rest and be slow awhile longer while I heal and learn the hard lesson of self care. All else must and will wait while I make me a priority right now. And if others or other things don’t want to wait, I know that all will be perfect when I am ready.
    Much love and prayers to you and your family!! <3 <3

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Thanks, Elaine, for sharing your experience (and the love and prayers). These experiences are challenging but they open you up to new possibilities. I’m moving at a much slower pace too. It’s just the thing. Hugs and love for you and yours.

  • Suzanne Holman says:

    Sweet, sweet Adela,
    Your words touched deep into my heart.
    Know that I am sending love your way and see your light glowing strongly within you.
    You have been such an amazing light in my world…for oh so many years!
    May you feel surrounded and uplifted by the love of all those, living and dead, who are there for you – now and forever.
    Love from me to you…

  • Warren Schutt says:

    Adela,

    You were a light and a guide for me a number of years ago through your morning meditations. You helped me see myself through some rough times of transition. You provided encouragement as I offered a successful divorce support group for many years. For your gift of being there, I thank you. Times again are different, but you and others have given me the tools to help move forward.

    You are the keeper of many tools and a teacher of great wisdom. I send you positive energy at this time, knowing that you again will feel your strength and all the warmth of the sunshine.

    • Adela Rubio says:

      I am so glad you’ve felt supported by my work, Warren. It lights my heart to hear it. Your positive energy and good wishes are welcome and appreciated. Thank you.

  • John Hlavac says:

    Adela,

    Thank you for sharing your message with your cosmic world. I understand your pain and wish for you all the blessings, energy and love the universe can muster to help you truly see and believe how beautiful you are (inside and out), how much you mean to so many because of all you have given to others, how much you inspire and motivate others by your artistic, magical and unbelievable energy, emotional zest, compassion and benevolence. May the essence of the glow you so often give us all come back to you in radiant beams of light, warmth and love. I have faith that these current experiences will help you a glow again even brighter, bigger and more beautiful than before. Blessings to you! May the angels of the heavens be with you forever.

    I am honored to call you my friend.

    John

    • Adela Rubio says:

      Thank you, John, for the beautiful articulation. That’s some wonderful person you describe. I feel blessed to know you and have you in my cosmic circle. I’m navigating the situation slowly and with liberal self care. Still … it is sad and I’m such a feeler. 🙂 Thanks for your friendship, love.

  • Sheila Krichman says:

    Adela:
    This is a belated reply, but heartfelt nevertheless. This ” growing” business or sifting, sorting and sadness as you call it, is not for sissies. I send my support and strength to help buoy you above water, not just treading in place, but stroking powerfully through waves of upheaval. It isn’t a comfortable journey ( in my experience), but it is a necessary journey for all life survivors. I’m glad you’re writing again . I wish you strength and fortitude and bouquets of smiles and laughter along your path. I know you know how to let the good stuff punctuate the crud . Carry on mate. You’ve got lots of company along the way.

  • Renee Barnow says:

    Embracing you as you continue embracing the vicissitudes of change.
    Whenever I think of you I hear your wonderful laugh and “dahling”, which always bring a big smile.
    Were it not for you I would have missed out on much learning and so many good people. In fact, four of us meet by phone every Sunday morning.
    BIG HUGS filled with love.

  • Barb Walley says:

    Sending you love, healing prayer and trust in your great consciousness. You have deep faith that will hold you up in those times when you need it the most. We are the ones that volunteered to live in these times that challenge us to the very core. You have great friends that love you and will see you through the sadness and loss. We will call forth your angels to lift you to your highest self where the peace and perspective will carry you over these rough and painful times.

    May the love you have shared so generously return to you abundantly, Love, Barb

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